I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he puts the penis in happiness.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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