The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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