Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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