If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
