Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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