Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
