hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
