Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
