Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
