she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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