i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
