im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
