the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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