I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
