I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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