I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
