i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
