remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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