You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
