i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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