U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
