i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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