You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
