Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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