U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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