The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
