a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
