remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
