apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize