Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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