Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
