drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dick very happy bro
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
