Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
