I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
