If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
