When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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