His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
