He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
