I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
