I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
