the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Someone signed my nipple.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
