mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
