I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
