nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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