Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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