i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
