he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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