I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize