I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize