I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
