She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Drunk is a universal language darling
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
