i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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