i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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