currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
